well this is awkward....
very awkward...

the control is coming back...i wonder why i let it go...

emotions...they cause havoc...so intense...so uncontrolled...left loose , wild , untamed....

thoughts...left on their own...wander and mix and become unfocused...

i wonder what is wrong with me...
why am i such a mess??

when the day ends...i'm still waiting for something...when will you be here...

or maybe m just suffering from obsessive disorder of sorts..

but there is something really wrong with me...

no posts for some days now...have been away...have been happy...but today

today you killed a little bit of me again, man.

the self doubt, the loneliness all came crushing down again...

but m a bit different now...more stronger..indifferent even...

m paying ffor thinking so high and so much...something you are not...will never be..someone i always want...

you say you are insecure...that i will go away...

you should be..m not gonna stay...not like this...

i guess its time to be strong...be brave and all that...and get what i want...but then
....its not easy...its not difficult either...but there are clashess...mindsets...loneliness....i guess thass what winners are made of...

two more shots...jus two more....

vodka helps...first i felt sick of myself...drinking when i m an emotional wreck...now i don even mind..the calm is so much better...and it helps me focus...have given up smoking...almost...jus with the guys when i go to study..not at my room nelonger...maybe thass good...i jus hop my liver is stronger than my lungs...


....i want a cool chick who smokes weed and talks about ideas...who likes to think...whose more confident about her life than me...


more vodka please...

the day seems like such a waste...without the presence...
and the night so interesting..

another episode...seen and done with...the laughs,..temporary...

what is wrong with me?

day one

the after noons are slow.
the days are dragging.
and the fact that i have finally started to keep a dairy has to mean something. hopefully m on the recovery path...